caffeine diary

Dear you,
I wonder if you ever really understood me. Ever. I told you everything, all my "deep dark secrets" and they felt sickly and fake in your presence. I miss you and at the same time I can't imagine being able to confide in you anymore. Not your fault. Not your fault--it never was--that you are a different sort of creature. I wonder what might have been. If I hadn't made the choices I did, and if things hadn't happened the way they did. Would we still be friends? Would we be more? (I wondered that. Did you ever?) Not a crush, just an idle thought, an inescapable thought. But it doesn't matter. It's too late now... I still want to win you back, in a jealous, pointless sort of way. Like I resent your other friends even though I know it's over between us and has been for a long, long time. I still want to be your best beloved.
Yrs
RE

Dear you,
I love you and resent you and am angry at you and sad and guilty all at once. I miss you, but I don't want it back. I miss the perfect understanding we had. I know I can't go back. I don't want my soul eaten like that anymore. And yet... it's a springtime romance sort of thing. It still looks pretty in memory, a gilded portrait pretty. Were we once the same? Yes. But we aren't anymore, and it is clear, painfully, crystal-like clearness, that we won't be again. Do I regret that? Resent that? I think I accepted it as inevitable from the beginning.
yrs,
RE

Dear you,
I miss you. I miss you even when you're right there in front of me, or as close as you're going to come these days, and I realize that a year has come and gone and we've both changed. You still don't judge harshly and tell me that there's something wrong with me (I wonder who does that), but you seem so very far away, so distant. You made me into your girl and then you didn't want me to be your girl anymore, and now I've changed and I am someone new and what there once was between us isn't anymore. And I miss that. And I miss you.
love
RE

Dear you,
I'm only writing this since I know you don't read my LJ. I've got a huge, huge crush on you and have since June... since May... since March... forever. And since you're straight, I've got a huge, unrequited crush on you. Why on earth did you bother to shape me so perfectly if you don't want us to fit together exactly right?
love
RE

I wonder how long I can coast for. I wonder how long I can walk around feeling numb and going through the motions and raising my hand and thinking and thinking and thinking so I don't have to feel.

I've decided that the purpose of vacation is not to soothe you, but to give you a chance to begin again. And if you get off on the wrong foot, the rest of the semester is a frantic struggle to right yourself. It's only Wednesday and I've had four bad days in a row. I missed the first class of the semester, and so academically I FEEL fucked even though I'll probably end up doing fine. On that note, I only have two more classes this week. This is what I have to do:

• write a paragraph about the gender of God


• do a set of exercises for logic


• read one chapter for logic


• start working on stuff for the Scary Class

So. Hopefully on Sunday I'll get to see the ministerpeople and tell them what all's been going on, and perhaps they'll have some insights or advice.

greyink: *love* Please write to me? I need you.

EEe! JUST when I said that, I checked my email. Again. And there was mail from Sumita. Yay!