wisdomeagle | Entries tagged with people: rachel

I'm shaking all over... I don't know what's wrong... okay, yes, I do, but I don't really want to go into it right now... I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, and I'm lonely, and my bed is still empty. I'm cold. I'm very cold. And lonely. Very lonely.

And I got a letter from

noreverchaste today. Hence the shakiness. It's over. It's done. It will have been one year on Tuesday. I just... yeah.

I'm feeling very needy right now.

I'm in New York, by the way, am heading back to Virginia and to school tomorrow on the 2:50 from Penn Station.

Peace.

Current Mood: shaky

Attention. *gets up on chair and taps glass* I have an announcement to make. Everyone who has been disregarding my journal for the past six months because you don't give a fuck about fandom, listen up:

I probably should have mentioned this sooner, but

gvambat and I are officially a couple. (I don't know how many of you have already realized this because I'm really bad at keeping secrets, but this is the official announcement. Even though we've been together for at least two months now.)
She was in my freshman class of PEG two years ago. Last year, we were roommates. Then she decided to transfer, and I realized I was ever so slightly in love with her...

See what happened is I had this dream about her all the way back in May. Then two weeks later I had another dream, which is part of why Sumita and I broke up.

Then began the angst. And did I mention the angst?

Then I told her.

And then in the middle of September we started writing letters and it became increasingly and increasingly official.

I'm so hopelessly in love with her and still can't get over the "it's requited part."

I mention all this because tomorrow, I'm leaving to go visit her for the first time in three months, which is the first time we'll see each other since it all became official.

And no, there will not be a full report. I wanted to tell y'all this, but on the same note, the last time I went to visit a girlfriend, we had sex, then everything fell apart and in lieu of communicating with the girl in question, I bitched about it to the rest of the world.. Now, I'm not expecting that to happen this time, but if it does, I'm kind of counting on being able to fix it by communicating and not need to go running to virtual forms of communication, which is an extremely bad habit of mine. And if things don't go badly, as they probably won't, well... believe it or not, I actually do know the meaning of the word private. Which is why no, no one (Sorry.) is getting a report.

In conclusion: I have a girlfriend and am absolutely in love with her.

I think this may be the most forthcoming, honest, non-cryptic LiveJournal entry I have ever written.

You may now go back to skimming your friends' page, and I shall go back to swooning over pretty boys shagging. (And the Stargate SG-1 fixation? All her fault.)

*jumps off chair, starts packing*

Current Mood: excited

Dear you,
I wonder if you ever really understood me. Ever. I told you everything, all my "deep dark secrets" and they felt sickly and fake in your presence. I miss you and at the same time I can't imagine being able to confide in you anymore. Not your fault. Not your fault--it never was--that you are a different sort of creature. I wonder what might have been. If I hadn't made the choices I did, and if things hadn't happened the way they did. Would we still be friends? Would we be more? (I wondered that. Did you ever?) Not a crush, just an idle thought, an inescapable thought. But it doesn't matter. It's too late now... I still want to win you back, in a jealous, pointless sort of way. Like I resent your other friends even though I know it's over between us and has been for a long, long time. I still want to be your best beloved.
Yrs
RE

Dear you,
I love you and resent you and am angry at you and sad and guilty all at once. I miss you, but I don't want it back. I miss the perfect understanding we had. I know I can't go back. I don't want my soul eaten like that anymore. And yet... it's a springtime romance sort of thing. It still looks pretty in memory, a gilded portrait pretty. Were we once the same? Yes. But we aren't anymore, and it is clear, painfully, crystal-like clearness, that we won't be again. Do I regret that? Resent that? I think I accepted it as inevitable from the beginning.
yrs,
RE

Dear you,
I miss you. I miss you even when you're right there in front of me, or as close as you're going to come these days, and I realize that a year has come and gone and we've both changed. You still don't judge harshly and tell me that there's something wrong with me (I wonder who does that), but you seem so very far away, so distant. You made me into your girl and then you didn't want me to be your girl anymore, and now I've changed and I am someone new and what there once was between us isn't anymore. And I miss that. And I miss you.
love
RE

Dear you,
I'm only writing this since I know you don't read my LJ. I've got a huge, huge crush on you and have since June... since May... since March... forever. And since you're straight, I've got a huge, unrequited crush on you. Why on earth did you bother to shape me so perfectly if you don't want us to fit together exactly right?
love
RE

Current Mood: bitter

It seems I need Something To Do. I have been repeatedly checking LJ and email to such an extent that it's abnormal, even for me. Pure and simple: I'm going nuts.

I know that I need time to heal and grow and learn and figure out who I am and what I've learned from my relationship with her, but before I can do that, I need to figure out how I'm going to survive till the end of the week. It's not like I have a lot of classes that I need to sit through and try to be sane during; I have two more classes and they're in my major so I happen to be really interested and aware of the subject matter without having to try really hard. That's not the problem. The problem is the other 23 hours in the day that I won't be spending in class. Not to mention Saturday. I have enough work to do to keep me busy from now till eternity, but unfortunately most of the work is reading, and for reasons that you will probably understand, I can't sit and read, especially not heavy, dense stuff, because if I try my mind will inevitably wander back to the endless litany in my brain and I'll realize that I haven't been reading for several hours.

I'd go for a long, long, LONG walk, but the same issue exists. Walking as a way to collect my thoughts is one thing, but even if I walk from here to eternity, I'll still be unable to walk away from my thoughts.

I've begun Xing days off my calendar. 7 days are gone. 358 days remain. It's going to be a long year. But then, last year was full of surprises... it began, you will recall, with the mysterious male creature, and it ended with Pome* and Sumita. So who knows what this year will end with?

In any event, I'm feeling this very large urge to Do Something and no idea what to do.... *checks email again* Nothing.

Current Mood: panicked

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caffeine diary

like your blood knows the way from your heart to your brain

then there's a pair of us? don't tell.

real life. really!

another round of dear you

obsess obsess obsess

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January 2020

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