caffeine diary

OH HECK YEAH OH FRELL YES

2007 BABY!

YAYREDSOX!

Wow. In the middle of the night, everyone got Yuletide assignments then had them snatched away. I, meanwhile, watched the baseball game and slept. I wandered away from the computer and over to the tv during the top of the eighth inning. Dad said, "I was talking to a co-worker today; she came by my office and asked if I was going to watch the game. I said, 'Yeah,' and she said, 'And the girls?' 'Probably not -- RE might watch a little toward the end.'"

"You SAID that?"

"Yeah."

Yeah, my dad knows me pretty well.

Dear Yuletide writer, for realz or the previous one, stalking me just in case,
Will get a letter out asap! In the mean time, I'm really sorry!
Love,
Ari

I didn't cry until
I talked to my dad and
he was so happy.
SO happy. And I was so happy for him.
Because he's been a Red Sox fan for more decades than I've been alive.
And we won.

My God.

WE WON.

You know, I was planning on telling you this on National Coming Out Day, but it slipped my mind. As did National Coming Out Day, in fact.

I have a secret.

I haven't told you.

I'm a Red Sox fan.

I mean, I really am. I don't like baseball all that much, I would be totally bored sitting through a game, but I actually care so much that I've been on MLB every day to see how we did. I care. I care a lot. I care enough that I'll be disappointed if we loose and elated if we win the pennant, and I care enough that I think of them as "we."

I'm a sad, sad Red Sox fan, which is somewhat akin to being a sad, sad slasher, only involves less naked men.

But the real point of my National Coming Out Day was this big, personal rant about sexuality. And I wanted to let you all know that my officially sexuality is currently Secretly Bisexual.

Now, first, I want to say I mean no disrespect to those of you who've always identified as bi, omni, or pansexual. Seriously. I understand now. I actually bloody understand.

So this is what I think. I think I still, after all these, years, don't understand myself. I've been out since I was 14, identified as gay since 12 or 13, first crush at 12, first girlfriend at 16, yadda yadda. I am the poster child for self-awareness. But what I don't get is why there was never a period where I assumed I was straight. Doesn't everyone have one of those periods? I was 10 or so when my dad asked me if I thought I might be lesbian and I said, "I don't know yet. I'm too young." Ten. That makes no sense to me. It's not the pattern I was supposed to follow.

And then there's this thing. I don't really think that "female" is really the most important identifier for the people I've fallen for. "Adults," for most of my middle and high school career, and after that "best friends." Meaning not just "we were friends first," but "We are best friends who also happen to be something more."

That's it. Those are my two paradigms. Playing with power situations and looking for a surrogate mother in adult women who are usually in positions of authority, and having really intense best friendships that then turn romantic and/or sexual.

"Who doesn't obsess over the cute guy or girl in the back of the classroom?" I don't. I never did. I don't really understand that mentality. I also don't understand "dating." I understand having a best friend and then becoming that person's lover. I understand how a friendship can expand and grow into a romance. What I don't understand is how you can find someone physically attractive and not know hir and not have any sort of relationship with hir already and want it to be "romantic" whatever that means.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that paradigm, I'm just saying it confuses me to no end. I simply don't understand how it works. I would say that it's an emotion vs. sex thing, but I would imagine I'm a lot more sexually aware than a lot of straight girls, and I don't think of myself as prudish or inhibited. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm a lot less in tune with my body than I'd like to think. But I don't think that's it.

Of course, I had to think of this in terms of fandom. I know false dichotomies are bad, but I'm going to attempt to put all 'ships into four basic categories based on how they're portrayed in canon:
( fandom. lots and lots of fandoms )

Sorry, brief diversion into the realm of fandom. I couldn't resist. The thing that worries me about this tendency of mine is that I'm going to end up ruining or at the very least changing every perfectly good friendship I ever have by making it romantic. I'm worried that I won't have anyone who always Understands and Knows What I Mean to whom I can bitch about relationships, because whoever it is who Understands and Knows What I Mean will in short order be the person with whom I am in a relationship.

This starts me cycling back through the exes and using them as confidantes simply because I will otherwise explode with holding everything inside and having no one to squee to when things are going well. You know? So I have this friendship that is wonderful and self-contained and the only thing I need to make me happy, and then I fall in love. Then suddenly the friendship which is fast becoming a friendship with romance attached is no longer the only thing I need to make me happy because I need someone outside the relationship to talk to about the relationship.

It's best to have exes serving this function, as otherwise one ends up falling in love with the new confidante, and the cycle begins again, this time with extra drama on account of infidelity.

Note to self: don't get a new best friend.