true love waits
Feb. 12th, 2003 07:26 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wisdomeagleI am of the opinion that the panel discussion on "Sex and Spirituality" was misnamed. I was actually ready to leave as soon as I saw the packet of information with "Reasons To Not Have Sex Until Marriage" across the top. I'm not sure if I'm angry or what... I'm confused. I need to think out loud so to speak, so here is my huge long rant about sexuality, along with the CSU (Christian Students' Union) take on abstinence, from the aforementioned informational packet.
1) No unwanted pregnancies: I'm a lesbian. Try as they might, two girls can't knock each other up.
2) No risk of STDs *nods rapidly* A consideration. Less of a consideration because of the queerness. Preventable if you're safe.
3) Better chance for a stable marriage in the future: if a high divorce rate is correlated with premarital sex, that doesn't necessarily mean that premarital sex causes divorce. For instance, perhaps liberal people are more likely to engage in premarital sex and to get divorced. Correlations work in different ways. Additionally, a stable marriage isn't always a happy marriage.
4) Save the pleasure so that your first sexual experience is more special: Okay, with this lesbian thing? My first sexual experience was bound to be outside state-sanctioned union, and my first sexual experience was with someone I loved (and, I'm sorry, but what about masturbation? I'd call that pretty damned sexual. Anyhow. I digress) and that I don't regret.
5) Emotional connection with partner that can cause future heartbreak: Sex or no, being in love can lead to heartbreak, as many of y'all know. I don't know if it's any worse for having had a sexual component.
6) You should only have sex with someone you love unconditionally: Why? Why is sex so God-sanctioned, so special, what the fuck about sex makes it something different? Not to mention that B's therapist says unconditional love between mature adults is unhealthy.
7) Show that you respect yourself by not thinking that sex is a means to "keep a man interested": I'm not even going to touch this one.
8) Because God created someone for you: I don't believe in Fate. I have a very hard time believing in Fate, and I have a hard time believing I could possibly be with someone who doesn't look at and accept whatever past emotional baggage I bring to a relationship.
9) When you are married, you & your husband can cerate perfect new lives: bull. shit. Marriage doesn't change who you are, it isn't a cure-all, it won't take away your faults, not to mention that this point has nothing at all to do with true love waiting.
10) People will respect your self-control: would you people respect my self control if I decided to become a born-again virgin? Or would you mostly laugh at me?
11) You can be a good example to your children: First, I'm not having any. Secondly, what if I want to raise non-repressed, sexually aware children who take responsibiltiy for their own pleasure and control their own lives?
12) Each relationship between a man and a woman should have an equal balance between emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental aspects: Having sex does not mean that having sex is all you do. In fact, one could argue that if you put sex in a special little box, you're repressing the very real and important physical aspect of your relationship. And being overly physical is not part of my problem. Ever.
Okay, so that's what the pretty little packet says (among other things) and this is really bothering me. Normally I would dismiss this panel as a fundamentalist scheme to steal sexual power and keep us all in little marriage boxes, a hopelessly heterosexual affair with no relation to my situation. I know I'm not getting married in the traditional sense: it's not legal. Lesbian culture is different. Lesbians are sexually aware. They sleep with people they aren't committed to. They enter into relationships quickly. They don't take monogamy for granted. Hell, we're queer. Our sexuality is an important part of our identity. So why have I got my undies all in a wad? Well, mostly because the female ministerperson told me a couple of weeks ago, "it [sex] is the deepest spiritual gift we have to give to another, and the deepest way to merge, when we are ready, with a life partner. It is not an entertainment, or an early step in a relationship. And regardless of how "gifted"any of us is, you are too young for this one. ThatÂ’s my not-so-humble opinion."
Yes, yes, you've told me. Advice is only that, advice, and I need to make my own decisions and now drown in my own respect for the ministerpeople so much that I loose sight of my own values and what I know to be true. But I have this feeling that's tickling the back of my throat that somehow, there is something about Christianity, something about committing myself to a life of faith, that means having a sexual ethic. Does that mean not sleeping around? Does that mean waiting for a committment ceremony? (Which, sorry but, that's not going to happen?) Does that mean attempting to find the one lesbian on the face of the planet who's wearing a ring on her left hand that says "purity" that she won't remove until the day she marries? (One of the girls on the panel had one of those.) I just don't know. The female ministerperson is wonderful, but she's straight. She doesn't know lesbian culture. She's queer-happy and open and affirming and all those wonderful things, but, I mean--what sort of queer people has she met? The long-term relationship we've-been-together-for-twenty-years-and-are-really-just-like-a-straight-couple dykes (like my ho's back in NJ). The ones who are having in vitro kids, who are mimicking heterosexual roles, who have been traumatized by the church and now find themselves back in a warm and friendly environment.
What about the girl who grew up in the church, who's been pro-gay-rights since she was in fourth grade, known she was a lesbian since seventh, who had three lesbian Sunday school teachers and one lesbian minister, who's known for her whole life that there's nothing wrong with being Christian and gay and is only now, finally, attempting to figure out exactly what that means. To be Christian, to be gay, to be both, to have a Call, to be in love, to be in a relationship, to be an authentic person.
Where on earth am I going to find a mentor for this one? My ho's are back in NJ, and I haven't talked to them in ages and ages. Jeane's dead, Cynthia's married, and I don't want to talk to my mom about such things. Eesh.
1) No unwanted pregnancies: I'm a lesbian. Try as they might, two girls can't knock each other up.
2) No risk of STDs *nods rapidly* A consideration. Less of a consideration because of the queerness. Preventable if you're safe.
3) Better chance for a stable marriage in the future: if a high divorce rate is correlated with premarital sex, that doesn't necessarily mean that premarital sex causes divorce. For instance, perhaps liberal people are more likely to engage in premarital sex and to get divorced. Correlations work in different ways. Additionally, a stable marriage isn't always a happy marriage.
4) Save the pleasure so that your first sexual experience is more special: Okay, with this lesbian thing? My first sexual experience was bound to be outside state-sanctioned union, and my first sexual experience was with someone I loved (and, I'm sorry, but what about masturbation? I'd call that pretty damned sexual. Anyhow. I digress) and that I don't regret.
5) Emotional connection with partner that can cause future heartbreak: Sex or no, being in love can lead to heartbreak, as many of y'all know. I don't know if it's any worse for having had a sexual component.
6) You should only have sex with someone you love unconditionally: Why? Why is sex so God-sanctioned, so special, what the fuck about sex makes it something different? Not to mention that B's therapist says unconditional love between mature adults is unhealthy.
7) Show that you respect yourself by not thinking that sex is a means to "keep a man interested": I'm not even going to touch this one.
8) Because God created someone for you: I don't believe in Fate. I have a very hard time believing in Fate, and I have a hard time believing I could possibly be with someone who doesn't look at and accept whatever past emotional baggage I bring to a relationship.
9) When you are married, you & your husband can cerate perfect new lives: bull. shit. Marriage doesn't change who you are, it isn't a cure-all, it won't take away your faults, not to mention that this point has nothing at all to do with true love waiting.
10) People will respect your self-control: would you people respect my self control if I decided to become a born-again virgin? Or would you mostly laugh at me?
11) You can be a good example to your children: First, I'm not having any. Secondly, what if I want to raise non-repressed, sexually aware children who take responsibiltiy for their own pleasure and control their own lives?
12) Each relationship between a man and a woman should have an equal balance between emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental aspects: Having sex does not mean that having sex is all you do. In fact, one could argue that if you put sex in a special little box, you're repressing the very real and important physical aspect of your relationship. And being overly physical is not part of my problem. Ever.
Okay, so that's what the pretty little packet says (among other things) and this is really bothering me. Normally I would dismiss this panel as a fundamentalist scheme to steal sexual power and keep us all in little marriage boxes, a hopelessly heterosexual affair with no relation to my situation. I know I'm not getting married in the traditional sense: it's not legal. Lesbian culture is different. Lesbians are sexually aware. They sleep with people they aren't committed to. They enter into relationships quickly. They don't take monogamy for granted. Hell, we're queer. Our sexuality is an important part of our identity. So why have I got my undies all in a wad? Well, mostly because the female ministerperson told me a couple of weeks ago, "it [sex] is the deepest spiritual gift we have to give to another, and the deepest way to merge, when we are ready, with a life partner. It is not an entertainment, or an early step in a relationship. And regardless of how "gifted"any of us is, you are too young for this one. ThatÂ’s my not-so-humble opinion."
Yes, yes, you've told me. Advice is only that, advice, and I need to make my own decisions and now drown in my own respect for the ministerpeople so much that I loose sight of my own values and what I know to be true. But I have this feeling that's tickling the back of my throat that somehow, there is something about Christianity, something about committing myself to a life of faith, that means having a sexual ethic. Does that mean not sleeping around? Does that mean waiting for a committment ceremony? (Which, sorry but, that's not going to happen?) Does that mean attempting to find the one lesbian on the face of the planet who's wearing a ring on her left hand that says "purity" that she won't remove until the day she marries? (One of the girls on the panel had one of those.) I just don't know. The female ministerperson is wonderful, but she's straight. She doesn't know lesbian culture. She's queer-happy and open and affirming and all those wonderful things, but, I mean--what sort of queer people has she met? The long-term relationship we've-been-together-for-twenty-years-and-are-really-just-like-a-straight-couple dykes (like my ho's back in NJ). The ones who are having in vitro kids, who are mimicking heterosexual roles, who have been traumatized by the church and now find themselves back in a warm and friendly environment.
What about the girl who grew up in the church, who's been pro-gay-rights since she was in fourth grade, known she was a lesbian since seventh, who had three lesbian Sunday school teachers and one lesbian minister, who's known for her whole life that there's nothing wrong with being Christian and gay and is only now, finally, attempting to figure out exactly what that means. To be Christian, to be gay, to be both, to have a Call, to be in love, to be in a relationship, to be an authentic person.
Where on earth am I going to find a mentor for this one? My ho's are back in NJ, and I haven't talked to them in ages and ages. Jeane's dead, Cynthia's married, and I don't want to talk to my mom about such things. Eesh.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-02-12 04:42 pm (UTC)*WILL hope that her infinite numbers of assignments go away very, very, very, VERY soon...*
Argh. I'd be writing you right now, but this MUN-for-four-days-and-sick-for-two thing doesn't pan out very well in terms of assignments...my precalc grade is going to get my undies in a wad if I don't save it...So yeah. Sorry, love.
In other news: I got your valentine. You're wonderful, do you know that? <3
write you soon
Re:
Date: 2003-02-12 05:48 pm (UTC)I hope that you get all your work done and under control... Good luck.
I'm glad my Valentine got there, although two days early. And I'm very glad you liked it. :)
love.