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wisdomeagleCannot sleep. So a church rant. Yes. Another one.
Your usual reminder that St. John's is the church I used to attend here in Virginia and that Old First was my church in New Jersey, which I still love very much, that the ministerpeople were the pastors at St. John's and are now in Pennsylvania, and that if you think my life is complicated, try living it.
It struck me that I've been not attending St. John's for two months and have yet to hear from anyone asking why not. Now, admittedly I didn't call the unsexy backup ride, and I really should have, and that was, as far as she's concerned, just one more rudeness in a string of inexcusable rudenesses on my part. But no one has contacted me. Not her, not anyone. And it's not really like I want them to, because then I'd have to try to explain why I'm not going back, but I almost wish they would try. (You know. The irrational feeling that everyone should love you, even the people you can't stand.)
I called a woman from Old First on Friday to squee over the Red Sox World Series victory (O_O. That phrase still looks weird to me!) Yeah, she lives in NJ and she's a dyed in the wool Sox fan. She's really a darling and adorable woman. (And very excited about the Sox, naturally) We talked for maybe half an hour, about the Sox and my family and her family and our family, and we shared sadness and hope, and I said, "Hey, if the Red Sox can win the World Series, anything can happen," and she said that was a good way to look at it, and she said she'd tell everyone I'd called, and I sent my love to everyone and...
I really miss Old First. I know that the reason it's my family is because we were there for nine years and both my parents were really active and we arrived at a really lively time with great ministers, and there are many downright fabulous people there, which doesn't really have anything to do with the church as a whole, but... it's nothing like St. John's.
Another fact: I'm still getting the newsletter from Old First, had myself put on the mailing list the minute I went away to school. I read it cover to cover every month. I haven't gotten a single thing from St. John's since my last Sunday there last May.
I don't really know if I want anything from St. John's... it just boils down to "We weren't a good match," and that's fair enough, but there still feels like there's something deeply wrong with the first church I was a member of, the church where I was baptized, the church where I did indeed spend three years of my life, just... abandoning me. Not really caring that I've left. It makes me sad.
And Old First? It just boils down to, "Oh, my darlings, I miss you so much."
So why do I still feel so bad about it? It's not really an ugly situation (though it could be, I suppose.) It's not really a complicated situation. It's just... sigh. It's sad. So tomorrow I go to the Presbyterian church, which is right across the street and where, naturally enough, they seem at least reasonably glad to have me.
I'm so afraid to get emotionally involved with another church community. Because they'll be like the ministerpeople and rake my already fragile emotions over hot coals for six months before abandoning me entirely (wow, I am bitter tonight!) or I'll have to leave them at the end of... well, the end of this year, or after five years, or ten, and dammit, it's gonna hurt.
I need to go back to bed. And have SO MUCH WORK to do this weekend.
Your usual reminder that St. John's is the church I used to attend here in Virginia and that Old First was my church in New Jersey, which I still love very much, that the ministerpeople were the pastors at St. John's and are now in Pennsylvania, and that if you think my life is complicated, try living it.
It struck me that I've been not attending St. John's for two months and have yet to hear from anyone asking why not. Now, admittedly I didn't call the unsexy backup ride, and I really should have, and that was, as far as she's concerned, just one more rudeness in a string of inexcusable rudenesses on my part. But no one has contacted me. Not her, not anyone. And it's not really like I want them to, because then I'd have to try to explain why I'm not going back, but I almost wish they would try. (You know. The irrational feeling that everyone should love you, even the people you can't stand.)
I called a woman from Old First on Friday to squee over the Red Sox World Series victory (O_O. That phrase still looks weird to me!) Yeah, she lives in NJ and she's a dyed in the wool Sox fan. She's really a darling and adorable woman. (And very excited about the Sox, naturally) We talked for maybe half an hour, about the Sox and my family and her family and our family, and we shared sadness and hope, and I said, "Hey, if the Red Sox can win the World Series, anything can happen," and she said that was a good way to look at it, and she said she'd tell everyone I'd called, and I sent my love to everyone and...
I really miss Old First. I know that the reason it's my family is because we were there for nine years and both my parents were really active and we arrived at a really lively time with great ministers, and there are many downright fabulous people there, which doesn't really have anything to do with the church as a whole, but... it's nothing like St. John's.
Another fact: I'm still getting the newsletter from Old First, had myself put on the mailing list the minute I went away to school. I read it cover to cover every month. I haven't gotten a single thing from St. John's since my last Sunday there last May.
I don't really know if I want anything from St. John's... it just boils down to "We weren't a good match," and that's fair enough, but there still feels like there's something deeply wrong with the first church I was a member of, the church where I was baptized, the church where I did indeed spend three years of my life, just... abandoning me. Not really caring that I've left. It makes me sad.
And Old First? It just boils down to, "Oh, my darlings, I miss you so much."
So why do I still feel so bad about it? It's not really an ugly situation (though it could be, I suppose.) It's not really a complicated situation. It's just... sigh. It's sad. So tomorrow I go to the Presbyterian church, which is right across the street and where, naturally enough, they seem at least reasonably glad to have me.
I'm so afraid to get emotionally involved with another church community. Because they'll be like the ministerpeople and rake my already fragile emotions over hot coals for six months before abandoning me entirely (wow, I am bitter tonight!) or I'll have to leave them at the end of... well, the end of this year, or after five years, or ten, and dammit, it's gonna hurt.
I need to go back to bed. And have SO MUCH WORK to do this weekend.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-31 12:42 pm (UTC)I have semi-randomly friended you, and so thought I ought to explain why.
First and foremost, because I've seen you on my friendsfriends, and always have enjoyed your posts. Then, when I looked on your userinfo, the first interest listed is "A Prairie Home Companion"... which would almost be enough *g* But then I was reading old entries and you're posting about Andrew Greeley books (and slashing Blackie/Sean, which is actually a new idea... or sort of new to me. I can't say it never crossed my mind...), and then there's this entry here about emotional attachment to churches, and now that I really understand.
And then there's Buffy. And Dark Angel, and queerness and feminist theology... and so for all these reasons I thought I'd add you to my flist.
Hi, I'm Sangerin.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-31 03:35 pm (UTC)And, uh, all the other reasons, too. *wanders off to friend you back*
(no subject)
Date: 2004-10-31 03:36 pm (UTC)