letters from a confirmed introvert:
May. 3rd, 2004 03:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wisdomeagleDear universe,
I'm an introvert. I'm quiet. I am a private person. I have social anxiety. & I'm shy. They aren't all the same thing. But they are all related, and they are all me. This means:
-Sometimes when I don't say anything because I am ten million miles away and I really, really don't care. I don't want you in there. I want to be by myself in my head.
-Sometimes when I don't say anything I literally cannot think of anything to say. I want to talk to you. But I can't, because I simply don't know what to say. Later tonight, I will think of seven things I should have said, and I will berate myself.
-Sometimes, I feel like everyone else has a shared experience of the universe that is so foreign to me, I can't begin to comprehend it. People will be sharing anecdotes, and I won't have one even remotely similar. Whenever I am in a group, I feel like I am the odd one out.
-(Sometimes, even when it is a group of two.)
-Sometimes, I have something to say, but I can't say it. I haven't mastered the art of conversation. I don't like to interrupt, and sometimes conversation flows so quickly that I simply can't interject what I want to, and then the moment is passed. I will replay the conversation in my head later and try to figure out what I should have said and when, and I will berate myself.
-I'm scared of you. I don't care if you're the most inoffensive person in the world, I don't care if you're five years old, I will still be scared of you. I will be afraid that you will judge me and hate me. I don't want you to hate me.
-I am very self-concious. I'm totally aware of my body being there, and honestly, sometimes I wish I were invisible. Being around other people for too long makes me twitchy.
-I am an introvert. This means that I go inside myself for strength. It means that being around other people does not give me energy. My energy comes from within, and sometimes, when I am very good, I can venture outside long enough to communicate, but that doesn't mean I'll enjoy it. And if I do enjoy it, I might still need a refreshing bout of being just-with-me.
-I don't know what you mean by "think of other people once in awhile." This is what I feel: other people are threats, to my privacy, to my sense of well-being, to my carefully-guarded inner life. They are sometimes fascinating, often confusing. I sometimes love them intensely. I am usually ambivalent, because when I care about someone, that caring often drains all my energy and is the center of all my thoughts and actions. I try to be empathetic, but sometimes I have no idea what other people are thinking because they don't think and respond and act the way I do. I know that people are different. Do you?
-When you say that I am a quiet person, what do you mean? Do you mean that I simply don't talk? That I'm silent? Do you think of me as having thoughts and feelings that I don't express, that I keep hidden intentionally? Or do you simply think I have nothing to say? What do you think you would find if you reached into my mind like a Scarran heat probe?
I am trying to explain myself, not defend myself. In that spirit, I have faults:
-I dehumanize people. I do. I will think of people in terms of their function in my life (teacher professor person-I-share-a-room-with person-who-gives-me-a-ride-to-church minister) because I need to function. And it's easy for me to think of people in terms of the function they serve. I like automated service and buying plane tickets online and not having to talk to a real person. Because dealing with people, no matter how straight-forward the interaction, is always trying.
-I avoid interaction whenever possible.
-When I am embarassed or feel guilty, I scramble through my head as quickly as possible to feel good about myself again, and it usually involves thinking negatively about the people who hurt me. The thought that people I respect don't like me hurts very badly.
-I vascilate between happy-go-lucky pride, self-esteem, and "I can do no wrong" and thinking I am badness incarnate. An accurate and healthy self-concept is foreign to me.
-I don't take constructive criticism well, and I never had. My solution to is attempt perfection so no one will ever criticize me.
And if you know me on the internet (which you do, since otherwise, why are you reading this?):
-The way I behave online is nothing like how I behave in real life.
-I like the internet far too much.
Dear female ministerperson,
Nothing has changed in the past year, okay? Nothing changes, nothing ever will.
Love,
RE
Okay. That's it. The end.
Huge, huge thanks and love to everyone who stroked my ego. Feel much, much better. Really.
Thanks also to everyone who got over their inherent sense of squick to read and comment on "The Strangest Thing." Next up (after the BSC ficathon): Jack/Hammond.
I'm an introvert. I'm quiet. I am a private person. I have social anxiety. & I'm shy. They aren't all the same thing. But they are all related, and they are all me. This means:
-Sometimes when I don't say anything because I am ten million miles away and I really, really don't care. I don't want you in there. I want to be by myself in my head.
-Sometimes when I don't say anything I literally cannot think of anything to say. I want to talk to you. But I can't, because I simply don't know what to say. Later tonight, I will think of seven things I should have said, and I will berate myself.
-Sometimes, I feel like everyone else has a shared experience of the universe that is so foreign to me, I can't begin to comprehend it. People will be sharing anecdotes, and I won't have one even remotely similar. Whenever I am in a group, I feel like I am the odd one out.
-(Sometimes, even when it is a group of two.)
-Sometimes, I have something to say, but I can't say it. I haven't mastered the art of conversation. I don't like to interrupt, and sometimes conversation flows so quickly that I simply can't interject what I want to, and then the moment is passed. I will replay the conversation in my head later and try to figure out what I should have said and when, and I will berate myself.
-I'm scared of you. I don't care if you're the most inoffensive person in the world, I don't care if you're five years old, I will still be scared of you. I will be afraid that you will judge me and hate me. I don't want you to hate me.
-I am very self-concious. I'm totally aware of my body being there, and honestly, sometimes I wish I were invisible. Being around other people for too long makes me twitchy.
-I am an introvert. This means that I go inside myself for strength. It means that being around other people does not give me energy. My energy comes from within, and sometimes, when I am very good, I can venture outside long enough to communicate, but that doesn't mean I'll enjoy it. And if I do enjoy it, I might still need a refreshing bout of being just-with-me.
-I don't know what you mean by "think of other people once in awhile." This is what I feel: other people are threats, to my privacy, to my sense of well-being, to my carefully-guarded inner life. They are sometimes fascinating, often confusing. I sometimes love them intensely. I am usually ambivalent, because when I care about someone, that caring often drains all my energy and is the center of all my thoughts and actions. I try to be empathetic, but sometimes I have no idea what other people are thinking because they don't think and respond and act the way I do. I know that people are different. Do you?
-When you say that I am a quiet person, what do you mean? Do you mean that I simply don't talk? That I'm silent? Do you think of me as having thoughts and feelings that I don't express, that I keep hidden intentionally? Or do you simply think I have nothing to say? What do you think you would find if you reached into my mind like a Scarran heat probe?
I am trying to explain myself, not defend myself. In that spirit, I have faults:
-I dehumanize people. I do. I will think of people in terms of their function in my life (teacher professor person-I-share-a-room-with person-who-gives-me-a-ride-to-church minister) because I need to function. And it's easy for me to think of people in terms of the function they serve. I like automated service and buying plane tickets online and not having to talk to a real person. Because dealing with people, no matter how straight-forward the interaction, is always trying.
-I avoid interaction whenever possible.
-When I am embarassed or feel guilty, I scramble through my head as quickly as possible to feel good about myself again, and it usually involves thinking negatively about the people who hurt me. The thought that people I respect don't like me hurts very badly.
-I vascilate between happy-go-lucky pride, self-esteem, and "I can do no wrong" and thinking I am badness incarnate. An accurate and healthy self-concept is foreign to me.
-I don't take constructive criticism well, and I never had. My solution to is attempt perfection so no one will ever criticize me.
And if you know me on the internet (which you do, since otherwise, why are you reading this?):
-The way I behave online is nothing like how I behave in real life.
-I like the internet far too much.
Dear female ministerperson,
Nothing has changed in the past year, okay? Nothing changes, nothing ever will.
Love,
RE
Okay. That's it. The end.
Huge, huge thanks and love to everyone who stroked my ego. Feel much, much better. Really.
Thanks also to everyone who got over their inherent sense of squick to read and comment on "The Strangest Thing." Next up (after the BSC ficathon): Jack/Hammond.
(no subject)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-03 02:18 pm (UTC)Cool. Glad it spoke to you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-03 02:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-03 02:55 pm (UTC)Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-03 03:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-10 02:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-10 02:30 am (UTC)