femslash worries

[wisdomeagle]

Happy birthday to noreverchaste

Scrolling marquees aside: yesterday was a fairly ordinary Saturday. I slept late, ate bad food, watched fanvids and read fanfic and procrastinated. Some friends had a dinner party type thing and I saw Clueless again. It's just not the same without Laurie, it's really not.

I've taken my website offline temporarily. I don't know when I'll put it back: could be a project for the summer.

I'm really worried about my sexuality. I've been reading so much slash lately that I've lost touch with my inner lesbian, to the extent that when I do stumble across femslash, it immediately turns me off. This is probably a really bad thing and something to be eminently concerned about. It's like I've purposely turned away from my own body and am fixated on random characters' bodies. Doesn't help that all the femslash I might conceivably be interested in reading doesn't exist.

I'm also quite desperate to be touched. Basically all I'm getting is random pokes from my friends and weekly brief hugs from the female ministerperson. I just really want to touch someone and have it not feel awkward or forced or anything, just to be affectionate, you know? To curl up with a friend and watch a movie or hug someone tightly and hold them for a long time... I don't even particularly want sex (okay, yes, I do), I just want to be comfortable enough with my body and someone else's body to touch. Last Christmas when I saw B again for the first time in half a year, she hugged me and we held each other for a long, long time. It felt good, solid, comfortable, and there was no desire or anything, just being with someone I loved very much.

I miss my NJ church a lot. There I could basically count on getting hugs every day, especially on Communion Sundays... at St. John's, I'm not comfortable enough with anyone (save the ministerpeople) for that, and they aren't really that affectionate anyhow... God, I need to get laid. I need to kiss someone. It's at the point where reading about kisses in fanfic, let alone seeing them onscreen, is enough to kill me. I'm not quite sure how many kisses I've gotten, given the setting of my first kiss (about two seconds into the loss of my virginity) was slightly abnormal...

I really need to get laid. I really need to get kissed. I want to play Spin the Bottle just so that I'll be able to touch lips with someone, you know? *desperation*


Oh, yes, everyone keep in mind that it's time to spring forward; we're losing an hour tonight. Really sucks, doesn't it, especially given that I've got church tomorrow. Thank goodness my roommate remembered! I would have completely forgotten and that would've really sucked.

I'm joining my church next week. Holy crap.

Comments

[meganashley.livejournal.com]

its me.. toregone

I've come out of hiding.

Re:

[wisdomeagle]

Welcome back. :)