springtime

[wisdomeagle]

I feel like a strange confluence of meaningful events have arrived all at once. They do every year, but still, the build-up of symbolic events leaves me feeling rich in emotion, if not entirely sure where to direct my emotional attention. But it's Lent, first of all, and it's also Holy Week, which is even more powerful. And it's Holy Week. Which means the end of this journey we've taken with Jesus through the desert, and now we've arrived in Jerusalem, and soon we're facing the bleakest, blackest hour on Friday, but next Sunday is Easter. The first Easter after Jeane died, I think we all felt that it wasn't fair. One woman at church cried at Easter and said, "It's not fair... because he got to come back, and she didn't."

And that's why Paul had to remind the church at Corinth that Jesus was the first fruits of the dead.That even though their friends were dying, it was okay, because Jesus' resurrection means that death isn't forever. Because it was hard at first to remember that. It was hard for us to remember that, that first Easter when Jeane wasn't there. Because Jesus was distant death, and Jeane was immediate. And we wanted Jeane back.

But now, five years later, I feel like the coming of spring yesterday, and Palm Sunday, and just having St. Patrick's Day (which is the anniversary of the last time I saw Jeane, at a Lenten soup supper at the Morfords' house...) on Friday, and then spring, which is, like Easter, a reminder that everything that dies returns. There are crocuses out today. Crocuses. And Jeane is dead.

It's strange. I have a knot in my stomach, and I'm stressed over thesis, and I'm stressed over what on earth I'm going to do after graduation, and at the same time it's hard to believe that life has continued for the past five years.

I got a letter from Old First today... just a form letter, but it's so filled with hope, with plans, with vision. The pastor there right now is trying so hard, and it gives me hope for my church, that maybe they'll survive after all. She's written a personal note to me. It just says to come by when I'm in the area, but it's the kind of thing that briefly compels me to skip all the peripherals and move back to NJ, getting a job be damned, and being in the one place that feels most entirely like home.

It's Holy Week. And it's spring. And it's the anniversary of Jeane's death. And there is no liturgy in the world that helps me make sense of the meanings of all of this.

I'm going to take a bath and try to get rid of some of the stress, then go track down my advisor and try not to sob in his office.

Comments

[sangerin.livejournal.com]

There are a lot of seriously weird confluences at the moment: Good Friday is also the Feast of the Annunciation, which means that the church is supposed to celebrate the death and the coming birth of Christ on the same day. Which makes my head spin. And Easter Sunday is the end of Daylight Savings, which is the major indication of the coming of winter (except for the fact that all of a sudden it's very chilly in the mornings) and that's just liturgically impossible, too.

So yes, I sympathise. ~hugs~

[wisdomeagle]

Yes, that's right; Elizabeth was talking about how Good Friday is also the Annunciation. None of the traditions I identify with celebrate the Annunciation, but I can see how that would be odd!

And of course in this hemisphere, it's the beginning of Daylight Saving Time and the coming of spring/summer, so it's more appropriate for Easter (though it means I have to wake up early for church next Sunday. *pout*)

*hugs back*

[rensong.livejournal.com]

I've noticed that spring tends to bring a lot of weird stuff all together at once. I mean, it's spring, and everything is supposed to be renewed, but my grandfather also died around spring time a few years ago. And my other grandfather just had a heart attack earlier this month. I suppose along with the renewal you get the rebirth, if that makes any sense. I, at least, kinda believe in reincarnation, so while my grandfather died in spring, perhaps he was reborn somewhere else. And where as my other grandfather is still alive (which, in reality, he really shouldn't be considering how nasty the heart attack was), he's been given a second chance at life. And, the weirdest part? He's actually made almost a full recovery. So, yeah... maybe spring is a confusing time for everyone - including Mother Nature and God. :)

No idea if that made any sense, but I thought I would mention something. Anyway, {{{hugs}}} to you... I hope you figure things out.

[hermionesviolin.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad that your church fills you with hope, and that the news arrived on today of all days.

[wisdomeagle]

Yes. Me too. Poking through previous years' March 21 entries, I remembered that I'd gotten a postcard last year from former minister Carrie... it's always a hard day, but the forces for good at least try to make it bearable.